Interactive Query Clinic Is Back!
Thanks for your patience while I was out in the great green yonder this past week. Here's a query sample for you to sink your teeth into. It's a little bit of a twist since it's a short story pitch to a recreation magazine that accepts such accounts. Got any thoughts? Critique? Please leave a comment.
Hi Mike,
I wrote this true story in memory of a canoeing buddy who passed away a few years ago. It's a little different; I thought you might like it as a feature in [XYZ Recreational Magazine]. Here's a sample from the 1500 word story:
"Late November sunlight filtered through the mangrove leaves overhead. Golden speckles of light dappled the tannin-laden black water of the beeline ditch. Black mangrove tree crabs hunkered down on branches as we passed. Fat golden orb weaver spiders scurried to safety, leaving their fantastic gossamer web artwork to stick itself across our passing faces. A svelte mangrove snake sunning itself on an overhead branch panicked and dropped with a plop beside us. It slithered off with just his green head showing. My old Grumman canoe sliced through the narrow path of water left by the low tide. The mangrove carpet of rootlets, pneumatophores that grew outward on each side of the ditch, threatened to close off the watery path. It dragged on the canoe sides with a low metallic “scratching” sound, raising goosebumps like a fingernail on a blackboard, as we passed through. Occasionally one of us bumped the canoe with our paddle, making an unwelcome “thunk”. Otherwise, a primordial silence kept us company in our passage towards the interconnecting ponds."
I hope you can use this story. I've attached a couple pictures to give you a flavor of the environment. Enjoy!
Now, I know there is a wide difference in the sound of this pitch from what many freelancers are accustomed to due to the genre, but put yourself in the editor's seat when reading this query:
- The imagery is perfect for the targeted magazine. The writer knows his market.
- The tone is very friendly. In fact, it seems to me that this writer might already have an established relationship with this recreational publication.
- The writer included photography in the pitch, which (if it's high quality) is usually a great blessing to the editor!
As for improvements, I think there are a few comma corrections and perhaps some wording changes to be made here, but overall, a decent account with a good target.
What are your thoughts?
It’s too friendly. Even if Mike is someone he knows, Mike may not be the only person who reads it. Mike might not remember meeting him when he opens the letter. A sentence to jog his memory might be helpful. What if Mike quit yesterday? Where would this query land?
The writer needs to relate the article to the needs of the magazine first. Since this is an outdoor recreation magazine, emphasis on the canoeing experience should come first. For example, it might say that the story is about a canoeing trip on a soon-to-be-dammed Georgia river and that at some point things went horribly, horribly wrong. Something like that. Then insert the excerpt, then maybe at the end of the letter mention that it was written in honor of a dead friend.
If, however, the magazine was seeking submissions about enjoying the outdoors with friends, then the introduction might be okay, but a different excerpt should be used since the one used here doesn’t specifically mention the friend.
Either way, the introductory paragraph and the excerpt don’t quite go together.
I read this as just a reader… and felt there were too many adjetives that made it sound too wordy which kind of made it hard to follow?…
Instead of painting a picture for us to follow the story line, you seem to be overly descriptive and wordy.