Introducing: Query Letter Critique!
Trying to break into print? Need some help with those pitches? This is the perfect place!
Every day, I read many emails from disappointed writers competing for that little piece of the print magazine pie. Often, their idea is feasible, if not even great at times. Their target magazine is perfect, and many times their background meshes well with the pitch. So what's the problem? I'm led to believe that it may be the ever-elusive perfect pitch letter.Therefore, I'm proposing a Query Letter Critique right here on the front page of the About.com Freelance Writing Blog. The rules are simple:
- Twice per week I will post a user-submitted query letter, with some of the details made anonymous or randomized.
- Users may leave feedback on the query letter through the blog comments. Of course, all norms of ettiquette will be enforced, and only constructive feedback will make it through my handy-dandy blog comment filter (aka my Blackberry).
- Those wishing to participate may submit query letters to freelancewrite DOT guide AT about DOT com. You may attempt to randomize your pitch info as much as possible, or to make anonymous certain details of your idea/target/etc. I reserve the right to edit in these ways, too.
- Since I understand that it's hard to judge specifics of a pitch letter with some of this information missing, we may have to focus our comments on areas such as length, word choice, tone and etc. Let's just give it a try and see how it goes!
And, just for fun, I'll post the first query to be critiqued below!
The following was a pitch to a mid-size travel magazine.
Dear Jack and Jill,
Mythical Place, Mexico translates to "The Place of the Fisherman," and not without good cause: whether you're shopping for hand crafted wood and copper products in Town1, dining on camarones el diablo in Town2, or finding the hidden place where the Tarascans believe the world began in Town3, you're likely to find a still mountain lake nearby.
These three ancient Mexican cities are different, and yet the same. All were ancient holdouts of the Purepecha/Tarascans- the only natives known to have resisted the domination of the Aztecs. Today, all three cities are easily and safely accessible via the main highway through the mountainous central region of Michoacan, and all hold absolute treasures and memorable experiences for tourists who want to explore the true heart of Mexico, outside of big cities such as Morelia.
I propose a 1200 word feature article outlining a one-day road trip through these three cities, showcasing geographical and cultural highlights such as the Sample Festival in Town1, and the Sample Natural Area in Town2, along with the necessary tourist staples, such as the unsurpassed shopping district in Town3.
By way of introduction, I am a writer and contracted columnist for the XXXXX Network, and am the publications editor of XXXX Magazine. I am highly familiar with this area, having a second home in XXXXX. I have thousands of photos of this region on my hard drive, and can easily write about the entire area, including Morelia.
Thank you kindly, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Care to leave some feedback? Click on the Comment feature below!
Ok, I’ll start. I think the editors should have been addressed more formally. I also think the idea was not well described- this ended up morphing into a day trip out of one city- yet that was not addressed (or correctly addressed) in this pitch. Also, if you know Spanish, you’ll notice a lack of a lot of accents (darn gmail!) but that’s certainly NOT going to fly with a travel magazine. Also, I think a lot of the verbiage (treasures and whatnot) may be a bit overused in travel pitches.
Sorry, guys, this is a critique for QUERIES to magazines, only, not freelance writing job letters. If you want some feedback on cover letters, you can try http://www.freelancewritinggigs.com, I think Deb was running a critique of those…which is probably where this idea germinated from, along with some of your emails…Good luck!
My first thought was about the “Jack and Jill”…I always do Dear Ron Editor: or Dear Sam Someone: etc.
PS- you forgot to do “sampletown” for one of your cities, but don’t worry, what will sell this is that you know it well.
I think the person was trying to take out some information so the query letter could remain anonymous. Therefore, I don’t think he/she really used “Jack and Jill.”
I think the reason the query letter didn’t work because you are trying to give information about three cities and 1200 words is way too little to really give the detail each needs. Also, you should have indicated that you were going to include sidebars and that you might have photographs.
Other than that, I don’t think it was a bad query letter.
Shevonne
Hi Chevonne, I actually did use two first names, not Jack and Jill, but still two first names. After I sent it, I was like “what teh he– was I just thinking?”
As for your other comment, that’s almost EXACTLY what the editor said! We went back and forth a bit on the scope.
I hope you were able to nab the gig!
all in allnot bad. I think the word length may have been researched more. Three cities in 1200 words isn’t going to give much information about any of them.